


Choices.

by astrophilian



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Is a Good Friend, Steve is dead, bucky is struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-23 14:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19152715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrophilian/pseuds/astrophilian
Summary: “And they expect me to fight, yes? You?”There’s pain in Sam’s eyes.“Don’t lie”“Yes. We do.”





	Choices.

Bucky feels the looks of the rest of the Avengers on him the first time he leaves his room after Steve’s gone. They all expect different things, and their looks all shout at him what they think is gonna happen now. Will he go back to being the Winter Soldier? Will he keep living there and join them? Will he just go solo and be a vigilante? Will he disappear into thin air? And then, there’s Sam… Will everything just stay the same? He’s Captain America now. His best friend is dead, this new huge responsibility is dawning, and Bucky knows everything about it.

To be completely honest, Bucky doesn’t know what he wants to do. His mind is still empty from memories, and he’s not used to make his own choices. He’s not sure who he is anymore. Steve was the only one who could remind him of the old Bucky, the one before the war, and the manipulation, and the experimentation, and the torture. And now, Steve was gone and his old life with him, too.

He wanders around the tower for some time, before he finally comes back to his room and shuts the door behind him. He hates this, absolutely hates feeling like he’s a prisoner - again. Especially when he isn’t. He’s got freedom to do whatever he wants, but he doesn’t know  **what**  that is. And it’s frustrating to the point of screaming against a pillow.

A knock - great, someone’s gonna complain now.

“Sorry about that, I’ll keep quie-” he shuts up when he sees Sam there. Opens the door fully, moves so that Sam can come in, and then closes the door again. “What is it?”

“They’re worried.”

“They shouldn’t be.”

“Okay…” Sam sighs. There’s a look around the neatly organised room and then he settles on looking at Bucky. “I’m worried.”

“ _ You _  shouldn’t be.” That’s a lie. If Bucky knows something, is that Sam will worry about anyone, and that he needs help.

“Bullshit.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say”, and that is true. He knows, in the back of his mind, that the old James Barnes would have teased him and joked around, and he would have got away with it. However, this James Barnes is a blank canvas. There’s nothing there, he doesn’t know most things, and he definitely doesn’t know how to  _ vent _ .

“Say anything, try it.”

Sam is now sitting down in one of the two chairs next to the massive window, and Bucky mimics him and sits on the other.

There’s a silence of a couple of minutes in which none of them says anything. Sam looks out of the window, patiently waiting for something to be said; while Bucky is struggling to put his mind in order. One would think that’d be easy, with how empty it fucking is.

“I don’t know.” He finally settles for, and Sam instantly looks at him. “Anything.” He adds.

Sam nods his head and lets out a sigh. “What worries you?”

“Will I ever go back to normal?”

“No.”

A frown, Bucky stares Sam down as he just offended himself greatly. But Sam is just being honest, and no one will ever go back to normal. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“You don’t have to.”

And how could those four words bring so much peace to a man so broken as Bucky? “It’s all I’ve ever done, I don’t know how to do anything else.” His voice is weak, so low no one from the other side of the room would hear it. “And they expect me to fight, yes? You?”

There’s pain in Sam’s eyes.

“Don’t lie”

“Yes. We do.”

A hole opens in Bucky’s chest, as he nods his heads and turns to look outside the window.

“But that doesn’t matter, Buck--” Sam hesitates, unsure of what to call him. “You don’t want to do it. You decide.”

“So you’re giving me an option of letting myself down, or letting everyone else down.”

Sam’s lips open, but nothing comes out. He’s struggling, and Bucky knows. But he’s trying to understand, whether or not this makes sense to him.

“At first, it was Steve or me. Then the world or me. Then Hydra or me. Then Steve again. And now, you.” Blue eyes turn to look at Sam’s, reddened by the tears he’s holding. His lips shake, and when he bites them, the tears finally fall. He’s quick to rub his cheeks, but he’s feeling defeated. “I have never had a real option to leave. Not when Steve enlisted; not when the war got me into the battlefield; not when Hydra brainwashed me and turned me into a killing machine; and not when Steve got me back. This is the first time I’ve had a chance to  _ decide _ .”

Sam looks at the table, and Bucky can almost see his thoughts go through his eyes as he makes up his mind. “So, don’t fight.”

“And let you, and everyone else, down?”

“Don’t mind us.”

“How do I not? You’re putting your lives on the line, and you want me to back up and go live in the middle of nowhere?” He’s heated, but he remains seated. “I’d be considered weak, selfish. I’d be seen as the man who could help but that prefers to just live in a house alone and read books -”

“No.”

“No, what?”

“You wouldn’t be weak.”

“Enlighten me?”

“Do you think staying here is the best for you? It may be the easiest thing, but it will  **not**  be the strongest. You leaving will be hard, and not turning around will be even harder. Leaving us here will prove how strong you truly are… and it is what you deserve.”

“ _ Deserve _ ?”

“Yes, Bucky. You’ve been a soldier for over 80 years. You deserve it.”

“And you?”

Sam is completely taken aback by that. “Me?”

“What do you deserve?”

“It’s not my time to leave.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m Captain America now, I can’t...”

“Bull-shit.” Bucky repeats. “If I  _ deserve _  to leave, after killing so many people and doing so many bad things - you do too.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“And it is for me? Wow, you’re really hypocritical, huh?” A hint of a smile appears in his lips, the first time he’s smiled in a long time.

Sam chuckles. “You got me there.”

“So. We leave. Yes?”

“I can’t, Bucky.”

“You want to fight?”

“I have to.”

“But do you want to?” And it takes a moment more than it should to answer, so Bucky shakes his head. “No.”

“No.”

“I will leave. You can come, or stay. It’s your decision.”

“It’d be easier if someone else decided for me.”

“I spent all my life following orders, I won’t order you to come… I do think you should. For a while, at least. Join me, settle down, then come back if it’s too horrible. I will need help, anyway.”

“Yes, you will.” Sam smiles. “Alright. I’ll talk to them… You ok?”

Bucky smiles, wide and proud, and nods. “Better than ever.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! If you did, leave kudos and comments, it really helps!!


End file.
